Tending to Grief — A Vehicle of hope, as I transition between two worlds.
"Don't love deeply until you make sure that the other part loves you with the same depth, because the depth of your love today is the depth of your wound tomorrow "—Nizar Qabban.
Loss and Disorientation
Out of nowhere, a sense of incompleteness.
In an instant, the journey back home became a voyage through the unfamiliar — the trees, the flowers, even the familiar face of the man who had stood outside the fruit shop for years, greeting me daily, flashed by me as a stranger. The haze of sorrow can be disorienting, leaving me feeling like I’ve awakened in a foreign land.
My very own body, the vessel I had inhabited, felt alien, drained, and hollow. What an earth has just happened? It’s a shock to your entire system, a collision of denial with stark reality.
My heart shattered into a trillion pieces while my soul sank into the void.
Grief’s Anatomy
As Lisa Shulman observed, the comforting routines of everyday life become unrecognizable. However, a contrasting truth in grief can reshape us, urging us to confront and accept our human vulnerabilities. For in loving deeply, we inevitably expose ourselves to the pains of loss.
Once the numbing initial impact of loss subsides, our minds begin to process the emotional turmoil, letting our bodies genuinely feel.
Research, particularly fMRI studies on those experiencing grief, indicates that areas of the brain triggered during physical pain also react to emotional distress. This sheds light on the intense physical sensations often associated with grieving.
Surprisingly, the process of grieving offers a release from overwhelming despair. It acts as a bridge to healing, demanding reflection and understanding. Much like a therapeutic elixir, this emotional journey introduces a spectrum of intricate feelings.
Unseen Blessings
Loss can serve as a catalyst, inspiring people to delve deeper into the study of life. The profound weight of universally experienced grief may carry a spiritual significance. Amidst the transformation amid despair and the discomfort of growth, we expand, gaining a newfound awareness that leaves an indelible mark on us. This process illuminates a more intricate understanding of our fragility, ultimately bestowing us a heightened sense of purpose and gratitude.
Grief shows up in different shapes and is not only confined to bereavement.
We may mourn the loss of loved ones and the loss of our former selves, the person we once aspired to become, our plans and dreams, our relationships, careers, pets, and even our homes. A sense of unease accompanies unmet hopes, unfulfilled expectations, and our deep yearning for meaning and connection.
I recognize that grief can indicate genuine love, sometimes even unexpressed love, in its unique way. And that’s perfectly fine. It’s also clear that some segments of our society might find it challenging or unprepared to acknowledge and process the various forms of grief we encounter. That’s understandable; it’s a complex concept.
Still, the endless possibility exists when we let go of parts of ourselves we wished undone. ‘The sorrow, grief, and rage you feel is a measure of your humanity and emotional maturity. As your heart breaks open, there will be room for the world to heal’—Joanna Macy.
“Grief unmakes us. It rewrites our identity and shakes our certainties. It breaks us apart and reassembles us different and changed. However, deep within our unique experiences of loss lie great gifts: wisdom, compassion and wonder.”
Transmuting the Suffering
Your grief stands as a testament to the moments when you allowed the harshness and trials of the world to crack your heart open. Grief doesn’t seek repair or improvement; it yearns for a safe space to be acknowledged and met, to spill out its depths and mend delicately once granted the opportunity to be seen and cared for. The instant you grant your soul the permission to grieve without letting fear hold sway is when you fully engage in the experience of being truly alive.
Sorrow itself need not inflict pain; rather, the barriers we erect and the coarse facade of despair we set against our suffering perpetuate our anguish — the attachment we hold to this core of hopelessness. So, instead, I extend an invitation to you: release the emotions pent up within you and allow them to flow through you like a current guiding your way. Eventually, surrendering to the discomfort will alleviate your deepest pangs and disentangle your heart, setting it free.
“The things which hurt, instruct”. — Benjamin Franklin.
Finding peace
It might seem contradictory at first, but consider this: in the wake of a significant loss, there lies the potential for a silver lining. It’s an opportunity to uncover the art of opening your heart, cultivating patience, finding your unique rhythm, and summoning the courage to navigate the uncharted territory of this lifetime. However, it’s essential to recognize that radical acceptance, while transformative, is not a simple task.
Radical acceptance entails surrendering to your present reality and refraining from reacting with irrational or self-destructive behaviours when faced with life’s challenges. This act of surrendering liberates you. It’s about placing trust in the process, nurturing your faith, and extending to yourself the same compassion you’d readily offer to a cherished friend.
In times of emotional turmoil, we often find ourselves at a crossroads, with two possible paths ahead. We can either succumb entirely to despair and remain trapped in its grip or choose to break through. In that breakthrough moment, we uncover new possibilities and emerge stronger.
“The wounds we carry are the medicine we bring.”
It would be prudent to heed these lessons through introspection and self-assessment. Navigating the intricate journey of grief with your emotions as your guide is an act of remarkable courage. Amid this emotional turbulence, love may consume you, occasionally steered by fear, particularly the fear of loss, yet sometimes driven by the indomitable force of courage.
Nonetheless, as humans, we are prone to making mistakes, and it’s in these moments we find ourselves engulfed in the flames of love until we’ve absorbed the lessons for our rebirth.
Shattered but emerging from the crucible, we are transformed into something wiser and less uncertain.
Grief is a highly delicate nonlinear process. However, hold your heart dearly and lovingly whatever you need to do. You will be beautifully and imperfectly changed eternally. Whoever came across this — I hold you close to my heart for the bravery you are transitioning through; continue to create space for your remarkable growth. We do not love with our eyes but with our hearts and souls.
It’s okay to let go and discover new parts of yourself you want to free.
You are allowed to have many versions of yourself in this lifetime 🤍.
He points to his chest and says: ‘Here is your home country.’ Nizar Qabbani
